Back at square one

I want the goal of this blog to be positivity amidst the pain of infertility.  However, I also want to be real, in order to relate to others in my situation.  I thrive on positivity, but the fact of the matter is there is a lot of struggle that happens on this journey.  

Last week we received an email out of the blue from our adoption social worker.  Every time I get an email or call from her, my heart skips a beat.  But this time the news was not at all what I wanted to hear.  In a nutshell, she said the agency has not done any adoptions in many many months, and she recommends we go to another agency.  Keep in mind, we have been with this agency for 3 years.  3. LONG. HOPEFUL. YEARS.

Now we are back to square one.

frustration quotes tumblr

How do I feel right now?

  • defeated
  • cheated
  • frustrated
  • drained
  • broken

We knew this was coming.  We haven’t had a call for an adoption situation in 9 months. 

I guess I was just hoping and praying that things would pick back up.  But they haven’t and now even the agency is forced to face the facts.  They are essentially giving up on us and all the other waiting families on their case load.  

I am numb.  Where do we go from here?  

My social worker said they have done research and adoptions in our state are down significantly, and she recommends we look to a bigger agency that does interstate adoptions.  So you are telling me I have to start researching agencies all over again?  

This is like deja vu. I feel like I’m moving backwards.  My head is swimming with questions:

God, what do I do?  Where is my child?  Why did you lead me to this agency in the first place?  What path do we go down next?  

I know God will make these answers clear at some point. There is nothing for me to do right now but wait.  

I look forward to that full circle moment when I hold my child in my arms and think, “Wow, look at God’s great plan!  It was painful, but totally worth it in the end.” 

But for now, I wait.  I wait for clarity.  I wait for direction.  

I wait for strength.  

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Back at square one

  1. So sorry you’ve been pushed back to square one! I can’t even imagine how frustrating that would be. It does sound, however, that you’ve got the right attitude about it. You know that the path will present itself and you will find your little one! Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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