Christmas is a very special time for me. It has nothing to do with presents and everything to do with the the blessings God has given me. I always reflect on the past year during Christmas Mass. Surrounded by family and friends, while singing Christmas carols, I reflect on the past year and all the Lord has given me. However, this reflection has caused me some pain during the past five years. Every year I am beyond thankful for all I have, but there is a deep ache in my heart for the one wish I have not received yet.
For so many years, all I wished for was my husband. I have been praying for my husband since 5th grade. I prayed and prayed that God would give me a kind and faith-filled man to walk through life with. I went through my share of heart aches and there were years I thought my man would never come. Was God listening to me?
Yes. He delivered BIG time. My hubby could not be more perfect for me. He is my daily reminder that God answers my prayers in HIS time, not mine.
My hubby is the first thing I thank God for every day, especially on Christmas.
But there is something…or should I say, someone…who I have prayed for even longer than my husband. MY CHILD. I know with all my heart that I was meant to be a mom.
So at Christmas, with all the beautiful families around me, I am deeply reminded that my ultimate Christmas wish has not yet been answered. I am so strong all year long, but at Christmas I am a sleigh full of emotions. Jesus came as a sweet babe at Christmas. Where is my Christmas babe?
With these thoughts brings tears…lots of tears. I usually cry all through Christmas Mass. I cry for the children I have not met yet and the aching that their absence leaves. I am hopeful that this new year will bring new beginnings, but as the years pass my hope is tested. I wrote this post just a few weeks ago, fully prepared for the onset of tears that this season usually brings. But…
This year was different. This year at Christmas Mass God sat me right next to a baby who was celebrating her first Christmas. She literally had a bib on that said “Baby’s First Christmas.” She talked and cooed at me all Mass long. Was this a cruel Christmas joke? Did I cry through the whole Mass?
No. I did not. I found myself genuinely happy for this baby’s parents. My heart did not ache the same way it had for the past 5 years. What filled my heart instead, you may ask?
For the first time, I was filled with peace and acceptance. I have reached that stage of infertility. I am now excited for the year ahead. Not because I expect a baby this year, but because I am truly and deeply happy with where I am in life. I am excited to just enjoy time with my husband. I know, without a doubt, that we will have kids one day, but if it doesn’t happen this year, I know God has a plan and we will be ok.
To the girl who fought through Christmas this year, I see you. To the girl who fought back those tears at church, I am sending you a hug. Please know that God has a plan. We can’t see it yet, but it will be better than we ever imagined.
I pray that you receive the peace of Christmas in your heart.