I am the type of person who does not like to admit when something is wrong. I try to handle everything on my own. I detest going to the doctor for fear they will tell me something is wrong that I can’t fix. I rarely ask others for help at work because I don’t like to look weak or incapable. However, infertility has really given me a tough reality check.
With infertility, you have to ask questions. You have to advocate for yourself. You have to be vulnerable. You have to admit that it is not your fault. You are not weak. In reality, you are so much stronger than you know.
There are days when I feel like I can take on the world. I go about my day with a can-do attitude, and a genuine smile on my face. I love these days. I revel in these days. I don’t know when they will come again, so I have learned to embrace every second of true happiness that I get. Because I know that at any moment, out of nowhere, the infertility train will come speeding right along…smashing me to pieces.
It is like being on a roller coaster…that JUST WON’T STOP. Some days you are up, and some days you are down…waaayyyy down.
I have been on this roller for over 5 years now. I can’t say the pain has gotten any easier because it hasn’t. However, I have learned to deal with it differently over time.
In the past, the dark days came a lot more often. The roller coaster had far more dips than peaks. However, I still did not want to look weak. I wanted to appear strong, like I could face any cross on my own. I put a smile on every day. My motto was…fake it, till you make it.
But that was hard…and VERY VERY lonely. I swear I have wrinkles from trying so hard to smile, even though I wanted to cry.
Finally, somewhere only in the past few months, I realized the lesson God has been trying to teach me for probably my entire life…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God does not want us to bear our crosses alone. He wants us to reach out to Him and to the family and friends that He has given us. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to cry. That does not mean you are weak. That means you are actually closer to God than you think.
I can’t say that I have completely learned my lesson. I still don’t like to be told what to do, even if I know I need help. But I am learning and I am leaning…
Let’s lean on each other. It doesn’t make this crazy roller coaster stop any quicker, but it’s a lot more fun to sit on the roller coaster together…with our hands in the air, screaming at the top of our lungs! 🙂